The Great British Panto Chase Off Quiz (Panto Special)
Imagine if you will a popular TV quiz show given a panto feel…
Buttons: (To Audience.) Hello, everyone and welcome to The Great British Panto Chase Off Quiz, where our Chasers give the contestants the runaround. From Pantoland we have four contestants hoping to beat our Panto Chase Villain. Today’s villain to beat is the dark side destroyer himself – Abanazzar.
Abanazar: I’ll stop these panto characters from getting their hands on the money if it’s the last thing I do.
4 Contestants: OH, NO YOU WON’T!
Abanazar: OH, YES I WILL!
4 Contestants: OH, NO YOU WON’T!
Abanazar: OH, YES I WILL!
Buttons: Looking at this motley crew of contestants my money is on Abanazar. Right, let’s introduce our first contestant. She is always on the pull and used to milking every panto joke going.
Dame Trott: (To Buttons.) Speak for yourself, dear heart. (To Audience.) Ooh, hello boys and girls, I’m Dame Trott, I own a dairy.
Buttons: I hope you’re wearing your winter drawers, I heard your dairy is Freesian.
Dame Trott: (To Man in audience.) It may be Freesian but don’t you worry, handsome – I’m hot stuff and my hands are lovely and warm.
Buttons: That’s some frock you’re wearing, love, business must be heffer so good. Are you ready for your first question?
Dame Trott: Bring it on, big boy.
Buttons: This one’s right up your milking shed, love. Why do cows wear bells? A.) Because their horns don’t work. B.) Because they ding dong merrily on high. Or C.) So that you can locate them in a pea-souper fog?
(Abanazar and Dame Trott press buzzers.)
Buttons: The correct panto answer was ‘A.) because their horns don’t work’. Well done, Dame Trott. Abanazar, you pressed ‘B’ which is incorrect. One-nil to the Pantoland contestants.
Abanazar: I’ll get even with you lot…
Buttons: Yeah, keep deluding yourself, Avvabanana. Right, let’s introduce our charming second contestant. Tell us who you are and what you do, princess.
Cinderella: My name is Cinderella and I’m a scullery maid. I’m waiting for Mister Right to come along.
Dame Trott: Aren’t we all, dear. Just remember that I saw him first.
Buttons: Good luck, Cinders. Here’s your question. Which famous author wrote For Whom The Bell Tolls? Was it A.) Justin Time. B.) Ernest Hemingway. Or C.) Ivanna Rolex?
(Abanazar and Cinderella press buzzers.)
Buttons: The correct panto answer was ‘B’. Well done, Cinders.
Cinderella: Really? I meant to press ‘C.) Ivanna Rolex’.
Buttons: Azabajanar you were wrong again; why did you press ‘C’?
Abanazar: Because I wanna Rolex.
Buttons: Yeah, well you’d better start saving up, mate. Right, let’s introduce our next contestant. Tell us who you are and what you do.
Wishee: My name is Wishee Washee and I help my Mum run her lingerie laundry business: ‘Where there’s muck there’s bras’.
Buttons: That job sounds pants if you ask me.
Wishee: Yeah, washing undies isn’t all it’s scrubbed up to be.
Buttons: Ok Wishee, here’s your question. Who directed the film My Beautiful Launderette? Was it A.) C. Stermatic. B.) Della Cutwash. Or C.) Stephen Frears?
(Abanazar and Wishee Washee press buzzers.)
Buttons: You both pressed ‘C’ so you’re both right. It all rests on the final question and our next contestant.
Robin Hood: (Slaps thigh.) I’m Robin Hood. I live in Nottingham and I rob the rich and give to the poor.
Buttons: Loving the tights, Robin. (To Abanazar.) Avva pyjama, you need to win this to force a tie break.
Abanazar: I’m in it to win it. The money is as good as mine, mwah ha ha.
Buttons: Ok Robin, here’s your question. What is the name of the annual market in Nottingham? Is it A.) The Goosey Goosey Gander Fair. B.) The Mother Goose Fair. Or C.) The Goose Fair?
(Robin presses buzzer.)
Buttons: Avvallama, I need your answer. Three, two, one – too late.
Abanazar: (Holds bag of money aloft.) Too bad for you that I have already won – the money is mine, all mine, mwah ha ha.
Robin Hood: You won’t get away with this, Abanazar. (Slaps thigh.) Okay, gang – let’s give chase.
(Cue Yakkitty Sax music. Comedy business as Dame Trott, Wishee Washee, Cinderella, Robin Hood and Buttons chase Abanazar backwards and forwards across the stage.)
Buttons: Thanks for watching The Great British Panto Chase Off Quiz.
Bradley Walsh as Smee with Flawless in Peter Pan at Milton Keynes (2014)